If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you - when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things,

Then you are probably the family dog

Submitted by Charlie Schuman

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU
IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?

SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!! YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG HOUSE!

Submitted by: Elmer Nance

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Michigan State."

And they say blondes are dumb!!! :-)

Submitted by Alicia Risdon

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Evian spelled backwards = NAIVE.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa
Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 ENJOYS it?

What's the definition of a teenager? G-d's punishment for enjoying sex.

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope
only expects you to kiss his ring.

Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it.

My mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he
just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen; just vending machines.

I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a
prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building

Submitted by: Matt Dorros

"Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from the Earth?"

Submitted by: Bob Gasway

AD IN THE CLASSIFIED

$10,000 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000 Farmington , UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its
500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels
have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it
because it was purchased without proper consent of a Loving wife.

Apparently "Do whatever the Hell you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve...(801)867-0000.

Submitted by: Matt Dorros

A retiree’s week

QUESTION: What do you do all week?

Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!


Submitted by: Millicent Berger

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will
bemisquoted, then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and
blamed it on the high cost of living.
21. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.
26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.
28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and
he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
30. Shin: A device for finding furniture
31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

Submitted by: Lindsay G.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Submitted by: Elmer Nance

Jim's Last Will and Testament provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty-thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

Submitted by: Renee Andert