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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles.
She says, "What's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
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GOLF JOKE
Some Rules Of Golf
/* If you are not familiar with golf, you probably won't get these. Ask your closest golf player. */
1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
5. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
6. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
9. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you lie.
10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
12. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.
13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree.
14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you intended to play it.
15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a
2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.
16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard.
18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300 m.p.h.
19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing the golf glove.
20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.
21. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the footprint.
25. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it.
26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
submitted by: Elmer Nance
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JEWISH JOKE
Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet.
Discretion is mine middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."
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LAWYER JOKE
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.
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CLASSIC JOKE
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.
The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.
Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, Ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a HORSE!"
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque buildup.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
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