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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Jay and his blonde wife live in Buffalo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out.
Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
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GOLF JOKE
Senior Rules of Golf
Rule #1
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Senior players should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
Rule #2
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled had it not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.
Rule #3
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.
Rule #4
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping in it's deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
Rule #5
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they can be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule #6
There is no penalty for so called "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule #7
There is no penalty for ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings.
Rule #8
Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average senior golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
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JEWISH JOKE
Three bubbes sitting on a park bench.
The first one lets out a heartfelt "Oy!"
A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says "Oy vey!"
A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, "Oy veyizmir!"
To which the first bubbe replies: "I thought we agreed we weren't going to talk about our children!"
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LAWYER JOKE
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
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CLASSIC JOKE
The Sportsman Double
I picked up an older woman at a club last night.
She was a right sort for 67.
We drank a bit, had a bit of a conversation, and she asked if I'd ever had the Sportsman's Double.
I said I'm not sure what that was.
She said a mother and daughter three-some.
We drank a bit more, and then she says that tonight was my lucky night!
I said, "That sounds great, let's go!"
We went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you still awake?"
submitted by: Rene Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
HYPOTHERMIA: FIRST AID
Under most conditions your body maintains a healthy temperature. However, when exposed to cold temperatures or a cool, damp environment for prolonged periods, your body's control mechanisms may fail to keep your body temperature normal. When more heat is lost than your body can generate, hypothermia can result.
Wet or damp clothing can increase your chances of hypothermia, as can falling into cold water. An uncovered head and inadequate clothing during winter are other possible causes.
The key sign of hypothermia is an internal body temperature that drops to less than 95 F. Signs and symptoms include:
„X Shivering
„X Slurred speech
„X Abnormally slow breathing
„X Cold, pale skin
„X Loss of coordination
„X Fatigue, lethargy or apathy
Symptoms usually develop slowly. Someone with hypothermia typically experiences gradual loss of mental acuity and physical ability and so may be unaware of the need for emergency medical treatment.
Older adults, infants and young children, and people who are very lean are at particular risk. Other people at higher risk for hypothermia than the general public include those whose judgment may be impaired by mental illness or Alzheimer's disease and people who are intoxicated, homeless or caught in cold weather because their vehicles have broken down. Other conditions that may predispose people to hypothermia are malnutrition, cardiovascular disease and an underactive thyroid.
To care for someone with hypothermia:
1. Move the person out of the cold. If going indoors isn't possible, protect the person from the wind, cover his or her head and insulate his or her body from the cold ground.
2. Remove wet clothing. Replace wet things with a warm, dry covering.
3. Dial 911 or call for emergency medical assistance. While waiting for help to arrive, monitor the person's breathing. If breathing stops or seems dangerously slow or shallow, begin cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) immediately.
4. Don't apply direct heat. Don't use hot water, a heating pad or a heating lamp to warm the victim. Instead, apply warm compresses to the neck, chest wall and groin. Don't attempt to warm the arms and legs. Heat applied to the arms and legs forces cold blood back toward the heart, lungs and brain causing the core body temperature to actually drop. This can be fatal.
5. Don't give the person alcohol. Offer warm nonalcoholic drinks unless he or she is vomiting.
6. Don't massage or rub the person. Handle people with hypothermia gently because they're at risk of cardiac arrest.
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