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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Blonde Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
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GOLF JOKE
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well", it was like this, said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball . . . . . . stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
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JEWISH JOKE
A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shoppe. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate. And," he added, "I'd like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep on Shabbos!"
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LAWYER JOKE
Lawyer driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The lawyer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated six years from now."
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CLASSIC JOKE
MANLAWS
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the
purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while e lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly " just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion,
Submitted by: Tim Vermette
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Interesting Information
1. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
2. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
3. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
4. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
5. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
6. The "sixth sick sheiks sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language...try it!
7. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
8. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
9. Leonardo DiVinci invented the scissors.
10. No word in the English language rhymes with month.
11. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
12. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
13. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand, lollipop with your right.
14. A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
15. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
16. The words 'racecar' and 'kayak' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
17. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
18. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
19. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.
20. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch face is 10:10.
21. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
22. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
23. There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables.
24. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: abstemious and facetious.
25. There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times: indivisibility.
26. A snail can sleep for three years.
27. Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live? That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.
28. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
29. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
30. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
31. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
32. The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating is uncopyrightable.
33. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
34. It's impossible to lick your elbow.
35. A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.
36. Pinocchio is Italian for pine eye.
37. Rats and horses can't vomit.
38. The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
39. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
40. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
41. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
42. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
43. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
44. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
45. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
46. Butterflies taste with their feet.
submitted by: Harold Greene
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