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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
She was so Blonde that...
...she wanted to visit a computer chat room, but couldn't find one
near her home.
...she called the *hardware* store to check on their stock of artificial nails.
...she wore a bikini her first day in the car pool!
...she'd heard about the information superhighway, but couldn't find
it on her map!
...she wanted to sign up as an *organ* donor, but all she had was a guitar!
...she called home from work, set down the receiver, then sped home to
see if Call Waiting really worked...
...when told she would need a travel visa, she asked if her Master Card was OK!?!
Q: What's the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
Submitted by: Harriet Kohn
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GOLF JOKE
A man enters the confessional and says to the priest:
Man: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I've taken the L*rd's name
in vain.
Priest: Continue my son, what was the circumstance that led you to this
sin.
Man: I went golfing this afternoon, and I hit one of the worst slices
off the 13th and landed in a field of tall grass.
Priest: I understand my son. I play a little golf myself and find it
most frustrating.
Man: But that shot was not the problem. You see, I hit it with a nine
iron, out of the grass and into the trees.
Priest: I see, and this is when you cursed.
Man: No. I managed to hit out of the trees and onto the green in one
stroke, but it rolled off the green and into the sand trap.
Priest: Ah, and that's when you took the L*rd's name in vain.
Man: No, father. With my sand wedge, I was able to get out of the trap
in one stroke leaving the ball 4 inches from the cup.
Priest: Jesus H Christ, don't tell me you missed a 4 inch fricking putt?
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JEWISH JOKE
An Indian brave named Sitting Bull comes home to the wigwam and informs his father that he's found a wonderful new, Jewish, girlfriend and they're getting married.
Naturally the father is upset.
"Why don't you find a nice Indian girl? It's not right for Indians to marry out. Anyway, I'm sure that Jews feel the same way. Surely they're not thrilled with having an Indian son-in-law".
"Not true!", replies the brave. "They like me so much that they've already given their daughter a new Indian name".
"What's that?" says the father.
"Sitting Shiva"
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LAWYER JOKE
A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't it?"
"No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a lawyer into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
Submitted by: Lindsay G.
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CLASSIC JOKE
A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'
The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field over there.'
The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nodded "politely" and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out..... 'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'
submitted by: Eddie Herbst
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Kings in a deck of cards
King of Spades: King David
King of Hearts: Charlemagne always with Ermine Coat
King of Diamonds: Julius Caesar always in profile, with hand extended
King of Clubs: Alexander the Great always holds orb
Submitted by: JRZ
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