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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I’m blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
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GOLF JOKE
Some Rules Of Golf
/* If you are not familiar with golf, you probably won't get these. Ask your closest golf player. */
1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
5. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
6. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
9. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you lie.
10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
12. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.
13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree.
14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you intended to play it.
15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a
2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.
16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard.
18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300 m.p.h.
19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing the golf glove.
20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.
21. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the footprint.
25. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it.
26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
submitted by: Elmer Nance
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JEWISH JOKE
Subject: Judaism in a nutshell
"Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
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LAWYER JOKE
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
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CLASSIC JOKE
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her father, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question.
"What is sex...?"
He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he
could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.
Finally when her father was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His daughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Mom says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."
submitted by: Renee Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
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The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
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The youngest pope was 11 years old.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
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Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
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Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
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Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
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Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
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In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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