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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
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GOLF JOKE
Four major executives from various countries were playing golf together. On the second tee they heard a phone ring. The Canadian executive reaches into his golf bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "O.K. buy 100 shares", the Canadian tells the other person on the phone. I'm such an important person, that I have to make sure my employees can reach me anytime, Therefore I carry a cell phone with me everywhere I go the Canadian Executive says.
On the next tee, they hear another phone ring. All of a sudden the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb in his ear, and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular phone.
On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German guy stand up tall and says "O.K. sell the company now. Danka. He losens up and tells the others "i"m so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal.
At the next tee they hear another phone ring. All of a sudden, the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes. They find the Japanese guy in the bushes with his pants around his ankles and squatting as if to take a dump.
"Oh we are very sorry the American says, we will leave you alone,"
That's O.K. the Japanese executive says, "I'm just waiting for a FAX."
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JEWISH JOKE
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the
Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and
Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But, he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
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LAWYER JOKE
An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Making people."
"So who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile.
"That's a banker," came the reply.
"Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked.
The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."
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CLASSIC JOKE
All I Need to Know in Life ~ I learned from my Horse
1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk
when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
9. Eat plenty of roughage.
10. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
11. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
12. In times of crisis, take a poop.
13. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
14. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
15. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
16. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Subject: Car Theft and your Vin #
As sad as it is this has already happened, thought you might like to know about this.
It seems that car thieves have found another way to steal your car or truck without any effort at all. The car thieves peer through the windshield of your car or truck, write down the VIN number from the label on the dash, go to the local car dealership and request a duplicate key based on the VIN number. The car dealer's parts dept will make a duplicate key from the VIN number and collect payment from the thief who will return to your car. He doesn't have to break in, do any damage to the vehicle, or draw attention to himself. All he has to do is to walk up to your car, insert the key and off he goes to a local chop shop with your vehicle.
You don't believe it?
It IS that easy.
To avoid this from happening to you, simply put some tape – electrical tape, duct tape or medical tape) across the VIN label located on the dash board. By law, you cannot remove the VIN number, but you can cover it so it can't be viewed through the windshield by a car thief.
I urge you to forward this to your friends before some other car thief steals
another car or truck.
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