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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot
chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then
she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''
The voice answered "NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."
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GOLF JOKE
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries.
Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression...
In America they call it golf.
Submitted by: Joel S.
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JEWISH JOKE
Jewish View on When Life Begins
There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins.
In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.
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LAWYER JOKE
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they
begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
Submitted by: Alicia Risdon
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CLASSIC JOKE
The Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words:
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
submitted by: JRZ
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Kings in a deck of cards
King of Spades: King David
King of Hearts: Charlemagne always with Ermine Coat
King of Diamonds: Julius Caesar always in profile, with hand extended
King of Clubs: Alexander the Great always holds orb
Submitted by: JRZ
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