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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage again! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm gonna jump off, too!"
The Blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too!"
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The Blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna sandwich and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me!!" she said. "He made his own lunch!!"
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GOLF JOKE
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went golfing.
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JEWISH JOKE
Isaac Weiss, a married man, goes to the shul and tells the Rabbi, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."
The Rabbi says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
Isaac says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The Rabbi replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, pray for forgiveness and put $50 in the 'Tzedakah box'."
Isaac leaves the Rabbi, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the Tzedakah box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The Rabbi, who was watching, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the Tzedakah box!"
Isaac replied, "Well, Rabbi, I rubbed the $50 against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
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LAWYER JOKE
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
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CLASSIC JOKE
DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking...
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet.
Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters.
Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard.
Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out
everytime we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
15. Invisible fences.
Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dog dom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
Submitted by: MAG
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USEFUL INFORMATION
I just wanted to pass some information on to you. I was watching Channel 2 this morning. They had a Dr. Edward Fujimoto from Castle Hospital on the program. He is the manager of the Wellness Program at the hospital. He was talking about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This applies to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of fat, high heat and plastics releases dioxins into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Dioxins are carcinogens and highly toxic to the cells of our bodies. Instead, he recommends using glass, Corning Ware, or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results without the dioxins.
So such things as TV dinners, and soups, etc. should be removed from the container and heated in something else. Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. Just safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc.
He said we might remember when some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.
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