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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"
She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads, "W I N A B A G E L"
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GOLF JOKE
A group of four married guys met for a Saturday A.M. tee time. On the first tee, one man said "I am thrilled to be out on the course, it's been a while, but it will really cost me. I had to promise I would paint the entire house next weekend in order to come here today. "The second man replied "You think that's bad, I have to build a deck all around our pool. "The third guy jumped into conversation with "You both got off easy, I have to remodel the kitchen".
After the first three holes, the three men who complained realized the fourth
had been silent when they were discussing their problems, and one asked "Hey,
you didn't say anything about what you had to promise your wife to be able to
play golf today, what gives? "He said he did not have to do anything. The
others were confused and asked him to explain his secret. He said "It was
easy, I just set my alarm clock for 5:00 AM. When the alarm went off, I rolled
over and nudged my wife and asked her "Golf course or intercourse?" and she said "Don't forget your sunscreen."
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JEWISH JOKE
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old girl.
Father: When was the last time you made a confession?
Man: I never have, I am Jewish.
Father: Then why are you telling me all this?
Man: I am telling everybody ...
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CLASSIC JOKE
DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking...
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet.
Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters.
Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard.
Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out
everytime we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
15. Invisible fences.
Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dog dom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
Submitted by: MAG
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Another SCAM! Just sent to me...
Keep a watch out for people standing near you at retail stores, restaurants, grocery stores, etc., that have a cell phone in hand. With the new camera cell phones, they can take a picture of your credit card, which gives them your name, number, and expiration date.
Identification theft is one of the fastest growing scams today, and this is just another example of the means that are being used. So, be aware of your surroundings.
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
