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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist
and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able
to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd
rather have my husband's baby."
Submitted by Harold Greene
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GOLF JOKE
Two lawyers, Jeff and Gregg head out for their usual 9 holkes of golf. Jeff offers Gregg a $50.00 bet. Gregg agrees and they get started. They both shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Gregg is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th hole.
“Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he he says to Jeff. After a few minutes, neither of them has any luck finding the ball. Since a lost ball carries a 4 point penalty, Gregg secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses in to the ground. “I’ve found my ball” he says.
“After all of the years we’ve been playing together,” Jeff says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy $50.00 dollars!”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you are a liar, too!” Jeff says. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last 10 minutes!”
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JEWISH JOKE
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. "Just for fun, Ma", he says, "I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
The young man then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry.
"She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma! You're right. How did you know?
The Jewish mother replies "I don't like her."
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LAWYER JOKE
There is a truck driver who whenever he sees a lawyer walking down the street, he always swerves to hit him.
One day he sees a priest on the side of the road looking for a ride and so the truck driver picks him up. While they were driving, the driver sees a lawyer, and swerves to hit him. But then he remembered he had a priest in the truck, so he swerved back on the road, but he heard a loud 'thump' anyway. So the driver turns to the priest and says "Please forgive me." and the priest said, "You didn't hit the lawyer, but that's OK, I got him with the door."
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CLASSIC JOKE
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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USEFUL INFORMATION
1) Flies or bees bothering you? Spray them with hairspray and they will
take a quick dive.
2) Sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, and then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.
3) Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
4) For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze.
5) Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
6) Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
7) Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. And now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way!
8) Opening brand new jars can be a feat in itself. Well, I have found a way to make it the easiest thing to do. Instead of banging a jar of jam, pickles, etc., with a knife until it loosens up, I simply reach into the drawer and pull out the handy nutcracker. It adjusts to the size of the jar and I simply give it a good twist and off pops the lid!
9) Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time!
10) Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a
sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
11) Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on. Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.
12) Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
13) To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
14) To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
15) Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains. (Key Word:-Tupperware)
16) When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
17) Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
18) When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
19) Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
20) Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
21). To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.
22) Ants, ants, ants everywhere .. Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.
23) Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
24) When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
25) Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop
in two Alka Seltzer tablets; wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric
acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.
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