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 JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!

Texting for Seniors as follows:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring your own teeth

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TOT - Texting on Toilet

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WTP - Where are the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In






Todd Sabo


 BLONDE JOKE
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one A Blonde actress from America, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought she was having her picture taken."
  ... More Blonde Jokes?


 GOLF JOKE
A man enters the confessional and says to the priest:

Man: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I've taken the L*rd's name
in vain.

Priest: Continue my son, what was the circumstance that led you to this
sin.

Man: I went golfing this afternoon, and I hit one of the worst slices
off the 13th and landed in a field of tall grass.

Priest: I understand my son. I play a little golf myself and find it
most frustrating.

Man: But that shot was not the problem. You see, I hit it with a nine
iron, out of the grass and into the trees.

Priest: I see, and this is when you cursed.

Man: No. I managed to hit out of the trees and onto the green in one
stroke, but it rolled off the green and into the sand trap.

Priest: Ah, and that's when you took the L*rd's name in vain.

Man: No, father. With my sand wedge, I was able to get out of the trap
in one stroke leaving the ball 4 inches from the cup.

Priest: Jesus H Christ, don't tell me you missed a 4 inch fricking putt?
  ... More Golf Jokes?


 JEWISH JOKE
Yakob was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had gathered
around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked,

Mama--you here?

"Yes, Papa."

"Sammy--you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Isadore--you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Rosalie--you here?

"Yes, Papa."

"Rachel--you here?"

"Yes, Papa."

With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the old man shouted, "Well, who's watching the store?"
  ... More Jewish Jokes?


 LAWYER JOKE
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.” the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!” he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
  ... More Lawyer Jokes?


 CLASSIC JOKE
Subject: Moses


Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

Sorry moses says last time I talked to a Bush I wandered the desert for fourty years.
  ... More Classic Jokes?


 USEFUL INFORMATION
HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK ALONE

Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. and you're driving home (alone of course), after an unusually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home; unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far.

What can you do? You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught the course neglected to tell you how to perform it on yourself. Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, this article seemed to be in order.

Without help, the person whose heart stops beating properly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough.

The cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. And a cough must be repeated about every 2 seconds without let up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.

Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.

Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives.

AND THE BEAT GOES ON ...

Submitted by Dr. Bob F.
  ... More Useful Information?