Jere's Holiday
Gift Picks
Click Here
Great Gifts for Everyone!
|
|
| Entertainment, Travel & Science News
|
|
|
JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
|
|
|
BLONDE JOKE
Subject: Blonde Diet
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. "The next
time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor. She had lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, thats amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor."
"No, from all that skipping!"
|
... More Blonde Jokes?
|
|
|
GOLF JOKE
It was the worst round of golf that I've ever played, said Joel
All I hit were two good balls, and that was because I stepped on a rake!
|
... More Golf Jokes?
|
|
|
JEWISH JOKE
A Jewish couple won twenty-million pounds on the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler.
They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."
|
... More Jewish Jokes?
|
|
LAWYER JOKE
Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba"
And the lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was given the hot coffee that she had ordered?"
"Yep."
"And the football player sued the university when he graduated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinking, can I sue all the Beer Manufacturer's for all the ugly women I've slept with?"
|
... More Lawyer Jokes?
|
|
CLASSIC JOKE
A DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
Argument (ar*gyou*ment):n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*head): n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a Police Officer.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q): n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up - but he "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks):n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope):n.
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer):n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet soda (dy*it so*da):n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee):n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz): v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list): n
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair dresser (hare dres*er): n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware store (hard*war stor): n.
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth): n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "focus....breathe...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik): n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park): v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens): n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah): n.
Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae): n.
A day when you have dreams of a candle light dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Submitted by: Renee Andert
|
... More Classic Jokes?
|
|
USEFUL INFORMATION
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably
more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so
remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best
friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry
because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you
love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've
never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute
of happiness you'll never get back.
Submitted by: Matthew G.
|
... More Useful Information?
|
|
|
