Supposedly, this is posted at a golf club in Scotland

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down!
4. Avoid a quick backswing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you!
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please, while others are preparing.
10. Don’t take extra strokes!
11. Well done, now flush the urinal, wash your hands, go outside and tee off!

Submitted by: Jim Brown

15 Reasons Why Golf is Better Than Sex

1. It's easier to score in golf.
2. Golf-transmitted diseases are rare.
3. Everyone swings in golf.
4. When you play golf, you don't have to lubricate the hole.
5. Being called a pro is a compliment in golf.
6. Golf isn't over in a few minutes.
7. It's OK to pay for golf.
8. You can play golf for hours without getting exhausted.
9. Foursomes are more common in golf.
10. If you have trouble with one hole, you can go to another.
11. You get more rest between strokes in golf.
12. If you're not ready for golf on the first date, you can suggest miniature golf.
13. In golf, women have balls and men don't mind.
14. Premarital golf is encouraged.
15. The size of your shaft isn't important to other golfers.

Joel had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his Rabbi. But on the 9th hole, when twice failed to hit out of the sand trap, he lost it and let loose with several expletives.

The Rabbi felt obliged to respond. “ I have noticed,” he said in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.”

“I guess not,” said Joel, “what the hell do they have to swear about?”

Some Rules Of Golf

/* If you are not familiar with golf, you probably won't get these. Ask your closest golf player. */

1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

5. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.

6. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.

7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

9. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you lie.

10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

12. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.

13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree.

14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you intended to play it.

15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a
2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.

16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard.

18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300 m.p.h.

19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing the golf glove.

20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.

21. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the footprint.

25. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it.

26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.


submitted by: Elmer Nance

ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THIS ...

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball half way there..

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10. ;

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

T here are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard

Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery!

Submitted by: Bob Gasway

GOLF SAYINGS
1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."

2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."

3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."

4 Unknown . "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."

5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."

6. Lee Trevino: " Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."

7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."

8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."

9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."

10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: "They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."

11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."

12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."

13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."

14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even G-d can hit a 1-iron."

15. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."

16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."

17. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."

18. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."

19. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."

20. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If G-d wants to play through, let him."

21. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the centre-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."

22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."

23. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."

24. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high- volume, tempermental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3- iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of
stupid, #*!~%^* choice is that?" "Those are the only two clubs you have left in the your bag, sir." Said the caddie.


submitted by: D Gasway

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband.

The husband dials 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. 'I'm dying over
here and you're putting?'

'Don't worry dear,' says the husband calmly. 'they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you.'

'Well how long will it take for him to get here,' she asks feebly?

'No time at all', says her husband, practicing his putting stroke. Everybody's already agreed to let him play through!'


submitted by: Renee Andert

In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries.

Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression...

In America they call it golf.

Submitted by: Joel S.

Anyone for Golf?

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted.

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill-adapted for the purpose.

Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

Submitted by: Elmer Nance

Avid golfer

Joe was teeing off the first hole, from the back tees. On his downswing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Mary was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path.

Unable to stop his down swing, he nailed the ball, hitting Mary in the right temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Joe received a call from the coroner, concerning her autopsy.

“Joe, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple; Is that correct?”

“Yes Sir,” Joe replied, “that’s correct.”

"Well Joe, I also found a large bruise on Mary’s right hip. Do you know anything about that?"

"Yes Sir," Joe said, "That would have been my mulligan."

Submitted by: Renee Andert