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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
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GOLF JOKE
Two golfers are at the first tee: Golfer one: ``Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!''
Golfer two: ``Great trade!!!!''
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JEWISH JOKE
Yakob was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had gathered
around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked,
Mama--you here?
"Yes, Papa."
"Sammy--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Isadore--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Rosalie--you here?
"Yes, Papa."
"Rachel--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the old man shouted, "Well, who's watching the store?"
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CLASSIC JOKE
DEAD GIVEAWAYS
You live in California when . . .
-You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
-The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
-The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
-You know how to eat an artichoke.
-You drive to your neighborhood block party.
-When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You live in New York when . . .
-You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
-You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
-You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
-You think Central Park is "nature."
-You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
-You've worn out a car horn.
-You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You live in Alaska when . . .
-You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
-Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
-You have more than one recipe for moose.
-Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
-The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You live in the South when . . .
-You get a movie and bait in the same store.
-"ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
-After a year you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
-"He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
-You allow your 13-year-old daughter to: smoke... at the table.... in
front of her children.... while pregnant.
-All your relatives have the same last name.
-Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Fay Nell
You live in Colorado when . . .
-You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
-You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops
at the day care.
-A pass does not involve a football or dating.
-The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
-Your bridal registry is at REI.
You live in the Midwest when . . .
-You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
-Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
-You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
-You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you
go to the mall...I wanna go with."
-When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different".
You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
6. You don't know how to vote.
Submitted by: Alicia Risdon
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Interesting Information
1. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
2. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
3. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
4. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
5. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
6. The "sixth sick sheiks sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language...try it!
7. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
8. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
9. Leonardo DiVinci invented the scissors.
10. No word in the English language rhymes with month.
11. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
12. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
13. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand, lollipop with your right.
14. A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
15. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
16. The words 'racecar' and 'kayak' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
17. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
18. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
19. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.
20. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch face is 10:10.
21. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
22. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
23. There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables.
24. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: abstemious and facetious.
25. There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times: indivisibility.
26. A snail can sleep for three years.
27. Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live? That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.
28. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
29. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
30. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
31. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
32. The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating is uncopyrightable.
33. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
34. It's impossible to lick your elbow.
35. A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.
36. Pinocchio is Italian for pine eye.
37. Rats and horses can't vomit.
38. The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
39. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
40. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
41. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
42. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
43. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
44. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
45. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
46. Butterflies taste with their feet.
submitted by: Harold Greene
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
