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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely blonde teen stormed out of the room after the class was over.
Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "what in the world is the matter with you?"
"You look as if you're about to kill someone."
"I am!!!" the blonde fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'fore play' involved tossing a coin for position."
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GOLF JOKE
A man enters the confessional and says to the priest:
Man: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I've taken the L*rd's name
in vain.
Priest: Continue my son, what was the circumstance that led you to this
sin.
Man: I went golfing this afternoon, and I hit one of the worst slices
off the 13th and landed in a field of tall grass.
Priest: I understand my son. I play a little golf myself and find it
most frustrating.
Man: But that shot was not the problem. You see, I hit it with a nine
iron, out of the grass and into the trees.
Priest: I see, and this is when you cursed.
Man: No. I managed to hit out of the trees and onto the green in one
stroke, but it rolled off the green and into the sand trap.
Priest: Ah, and that's when you took the L*rd's name in vain.
Man: No, father. With my sand wedge, I was able to get out of the trap
in one stroke leaving the ball 4 inches from the cup.
Priest: Jesus H Christ, don't tell me you missed a 4 inch fricking putt?
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JEWISH JOKE
HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE
Question 1) How do you know when you are at an Orthodox Jewish Wedding?
Answer: The mother of the bride is pregnant.
Question 2) How do you know when you are at a Conservative Jewish Wedding?
Answer: The bride is pregnant.
Question 3) How do you know when you are at a Reform ? Jewish Wedding?
Answer: The rabbi is pregnant.
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CLASSIC JOKE
Genealogy of Creation
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race
appear?'
The mother answered, 'G-d made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how come you told
me the human race was created by G-d, and Dad said they developed from
monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you
about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
submitted by: Harold Grene
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or love one's life.
Crucial
Because of recent abductions in daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...
This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know.
After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about.
It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do:
The elbow is the strongest point on your body.
If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans .
If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM . Toss it away from you...chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.
RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.)
DON'T DO THIS!
The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go.
AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you.
If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
B.) If you are parked next to a van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
(And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zigzag pattern!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:
STOP
It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
******* Here it is *******
9. Another Safety Point:
Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door!"
He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby. This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana .
I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know.
It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle.
I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well. Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry.
Submitted by: Millicent Berger
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
