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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"
She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads, "W I N A B A G E L"
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GOLF JOKE
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went golfing.
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JEWISH JOKE
One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.
"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.
"Great!" replies the second.
The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp!!!
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LAWYER JOKE
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bathroom the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop?"
Submitted by: Harold Greene & Alicia Risdon
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CLASSIC JOKE
The Sportsman Double
I picked up an older woman at a club last night.
She was a right sort for 67.
We drank a bit, had a bit of a conversation, and she asked if I'd ever had the Sportsman's Double.
I said I'm not sure what that was.
She said a mother and daughter three-some.
We drank a bit more, and then she says that tonight was my lucky night!
I said, "That sounds great, let's go!"
We went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you still awake?"
submitted by: Rene Andert
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USEFUL INFORMATION
DOGS TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Regular separation from you will be painful and can even cause depression. Think before you buy me.
2. Give me time to understand what you want from me don't be impatient, short-tempered or irritable.
3. Place your trust in me and I will always trust you back, respect is earned not given as some sort of inalienable right.
4. Don't be angry with me for long, and don't lock me up as punishment. I am not capable of understanding why I am being locked up. I only know I have been rejected. You have your work, entertainment and friends. I only have you.
5. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your tone. "You only have to look at my tail" to know that.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget, if that treatment is unjust or bad, it may spoil the special bond between us.
7. Please do not hit me. I cannot hit back, but I can bite and scratch and I don't ever want to feel the need to do that.
8. Before you tell me off me for being uncooperative, obstinate, or lazy, ask yourself if something might be wrong with me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food or I've been out in the sun too long, maybe my heart is getting old and weak, or maybe I'm just dog-tired.
9. Take care of me when I get old. You too will grow old and will also want care, love, and affection.
10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, "I can't bear to watch" or "Let it happen in my absence". Everything is easier for me if you are there. Remember, Irrespective of what you do I will always love you.
submitted by: Bea Rhea
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