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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A cop pulls over a car load of Blondes....
Cop: "lady, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Blonde: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh lady, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Blonde: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other Blondes are shaking and trembling.
Cop: "Excuse me, lady, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."
Blonde: "Oh, we just got off of highway 101."
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GOLF JOKE
Some Rules Of Golf
/* If you are not familiar with golf, you probably won't get these. Ask your closest golf player. */
1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
5. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
6. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
9. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you lie.
10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
12. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.
13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree.
14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you intended to play it.
15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a
2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.
16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard.
18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300 m.p.h.
19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing the golf glove.
20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.
21. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the footprint.
25. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it.
26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
submitted by: Elmer Nance
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JEWISH JOKE
Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
"Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday
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CLASSIC JOKE
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
submitted by: Irma Schuchardt
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Subject: Car Theft and your Vin #
As sad as it is this has already happened, thought you might like to know about this.
It seems that car thieves have found another way to steal your car or truck without any effort at all. The car thieves peer through the windshield of your car or truck, write down the VIN number from the label on the dash, go to the local car dealership and request a duplicate key based on the VIN number. The car dealer's parts dept will make a duplicate key from the VIN number and collect payment from the thief who will return to your car. He doesn't have to break in, do any damage to the vehicle, or draw attention to himself. All he has to do is to walk up to your car, insert the key and off he goes to a local chop shop with your vehicle.
You don't believe it?
It IS that easy.
To avoid this from happening to you, simply put some tape – electrical tape, duct tape or medical tape) across the VIN label located on the dash board. By law, you cannot remove the VIN number, but you can cover it so it can't be viewed through the windshield by a car thief.
I urge you to forward this to your friends before some other car thief steals
another car or truck.
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What did the lawyer name his daughter?
