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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
A good looking, very shapely blonde was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the obviously wealthy, handsome gentleman reading a leather-bound book. The gentleman was reclined on a blanket very near her.
"Hello, sir," she said, "I was just wondering, In addition to reading -- do you like movies?" "Yes, I do. I'm an avid movie fan. I like to see movies after I have
read the book," he responded." He continued, "I even like history and politics.I'm a
sucker for the old classics. I must admit, sometimes I catch myself attending
musicals and even the sex and violence types. Yes, I love a good movie." He
smiled, then started reading his book again.
Blonde persisted. "Do you like gardening? Do you get turned on with our beautiful native plants? Do you like flowers as much as I do?" The man stopped reading and looked up from his book and said very politely, "Yes, I do. I enjoy working with plants very much. I love to garden. Native plants I love; but, I also love the exotics -- orchids, bromeliads, ferns of all types, plants with unusual leaves, trees with beautiful shedding bark -- yes, I'm obsessed with horticulture." He smiled and returned to his reading.
Undaunted, Blonde asked, "Tell me, do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on the young woman, ripping off her bikini top and quickly removing the scant covering of her goodies. In seconds they were locked in a lover's embrace and she was being ravaged. He continued to pound her until she was breathless. Never in her life had a man made love to her like that. It was more than love, it was jungle sex in its most refined form.
As the sand started to settle, as soon as Blonde could manage to wipe the sweat from her eyes and get into a semi-upright position she half-whispered, half-panted, "My G-d, How did you know that was what I wanted? How did you know I wanted you to take me like that? How did you know I liked it fast and rough?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "I also have a question, Just how in the hell did you know my name was Katz?
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GOLF JOKE
Senior Rules of Golf
Rule #1
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Senior players should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
Rule #2
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled had it not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.
Rule #3
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.
Rule #4
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping in it's deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
Rule #5
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they can be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule #6
There is no penalty for so called "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule #7
There is no penalty for ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings.
Rule #8
Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average senior golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
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JEWISH JOKE
Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."
Submitted by: Scrubman
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LAWYER JOKE
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bathroom the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop?"
Submitted by: Harold Greene & Alicia Risdon
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CLASSIC JOKE
OLD IS WHEN
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee.
A Friend Is Like A. Good Bra... Hard To Find, Supportive, Comfortable and Always Close To Your Heart!
"Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow...
submitted by: Millicent Berger
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Your Inspiration For The Day: Instructions For A Happy Life
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Don't believe all you hear.
When you say, "I love you", mean it.
When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
Believe in love at first sight.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Smile when picking up the phone, the caller will hear it in your voice.
Treat other's the way you want to be treated!
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