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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? "The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
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GOLF JOKE
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries.
Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression...
In America they call it golf.
Submitted by: Joel S.
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JEWISH JOKE
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
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LAWYER JOKE
A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City.
To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
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CLASSIC JOKE
Twelve Rules of Life
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours; it was given to us by G-d; He just let's us borrow it while we're here....even our kids.
12. And finally ... Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Submitted by HArriet Kohn
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USEFUL INFORMATION
Interesting Information
1. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
2. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
3. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
4. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
5. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
6. The "sixth sick sheiks sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language...try it!
7. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
8. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
9. Leonardo DiVinci invented the scissors.
10. No word in the English language rhymes with month.
11. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
12. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
13. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand, lollipop with your right.
14. A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
15. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
16. The words 'racecar' and 'kayak' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
17. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
18. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
19. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.
20. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch face is 10:10.
21. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
22. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
23. There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables.
24. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: abstemious and facetious.
25. There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times: indivisibility.
26. A snail can sleep for three years.
27. Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live? That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.
28. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
29. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
30. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
31. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
32. The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating is uncopyrightable.
33. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
34. It's impossible to lick your elbow.
35. A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.
36. Pinocchio is Italian for pine eye.
37. Rats and horses can't vomit.
38. The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
39. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
40. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
41. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
42. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
43. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
44. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
45. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
46. Butterflies taste with their feet.
submitted by: Harold Greene
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