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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Subject: Blonde Diet
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. "The next
time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor. She had lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, thats amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor."
"No, from all that skipping!"
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GOLF JOKE
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband.
The husband dials 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. 'I'm dying over
here and you're putting?'
'Don't worry dear,' says the husband calmly. 'they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you.'
'Well how long will it take for him to get here,' she asks feebly?
'No time at all', says her husband, practicing his putting stroke. Everybody's already agreed to let him play through!'
submitted by: Renee Andert
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JEWISH JOKE
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has
decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should ask," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to G-d for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father. "
G-d said, 'Funny you should ask...
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LAWYER JOKE
An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Making people."
"So who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile.
"That's a banker," came the reply.
"Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked.
The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."
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CLASSIC JOKE
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF ...
Your Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your brother-in-law
You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the table...in front of her children
You hid last year's Easter eggs under cow patties
You've been married 3 times...and still have the same in-laws
You think a woman is "out of your league" if she bowls on a different night
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People"
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean
Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named Darryl
You think Dom Perignon is a member of the Mafioso
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare
You think the last words of The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen,
start your engines"
You once lit a match in your bathroom and blew your house right off its wheels
You take a six-pack to church
The bluebook Value of your truck varies, depending upon how much gas it
has in the tank
You have to go outside to get something out of the "fridge"
One of your kids was born on a pool table
You need one more hole punched in your card for a freebie at the House
of Tattoos
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard
Ya can't git married to yor sweetheart 'cause there's a law again' it
You dated one of your parent's spouses in high school
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk
Your school's fight song is "Dueling Banjos"
Your toilet paper had page numbers on it
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USEFUL INFORMATION
HYPOTHERMIA: FIRST AID
Under most conditions your body maintains a healthy temperature. However, when exposed to cold temperatures or a cool, damp environment for prolonged periods, your body's control mechanisms may fail to keep your body temperature normal. When more heat is lost than your body can generate, hypothermia can result.
Wet or damp clothing can increase your chances of hypothermia, as can falling into cold water. An uncovered head and inadequate clothing during winter are other possible causes.
The key sign of hypothermia is an internal body temperature that drops to less than 95 F. Signs and symptoms include:
„X Shivering
„X Slurred speech
„X Abnormally slow breathing
„X Cold, pale skin
„X Loss of coordination
„X Fatigue, lethargy or apathy
Symptoms usually develop slowly. Someone with hypothermia typically experiences gradual loss of mental acuity and physical ability and so may be unaware of the need for emergency medical treatment.
Older adults, infants and young children, and people who are very lean are at particular risk. Other people at higher risk for hypothermia than the general public include those whose judgment may be impaired by mental illness or Alzheimer's disease and people who are intoxicated, homeless or caught in cold weather because their vehicles have broken down. Other conditions that may predispose people to hypothermia are malnutrition, cardiovascular disease and an underactive thyroid.
To care for someone with hypothermia:
1. Move the person out of the cold. If going indoors isn't possible, protect the person from the wind, cover his or her head and insulate his or her body from the cold ground.
2. Remove wet clothing. Replace wet things with a warm, dry covering.
3. Dial 911 or call for emergency medical assistance. While waiting for help to arrive, monitor the person's breathing. If breathing stops or seems dangerously slow or shallow, begin cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) immediately.
4. Don't apply direct heat. Don't use hot water, a heating pad or a heating lamp to warm the victim. Instead, apply warm compresses to the neck, chest wall and groin. Don't attempt to warm the arms and legs. Heat applied to the arms and legs forces cold blood back toward the heart, lungs and brain causing the core body temperature to actually drop. This can be fatal.
5. Don't give the person alcohol. Offer warm nonalcoholic drinks unless he or she is vomiting.
6. Don't massage or rub the person. Handle people with hypothermia gently because they're at risk of cardiac arrest.
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