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JOKE OF THE DAY
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!
Texting for Seniors as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Todd Sabo
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BLONDE JOKE
Q: How do you get a Blonde on the roof?
A: Tell her the drinks are on the house.
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GOLF JOKE
A young woman, who happened to be blonde, had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a
bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the
clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf teacher, who also happened to be blonde, saw her come into the
clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she said.
"Where," the blonde golf teacher asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she moaned.
The golf instructor nodded knowingly and said, "You're standing with
your legs too far apart."
Submitted by: Fred Lee
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JEWISH JOKE
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew, that he needed a samurai.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and show why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and show why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOSH. WOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and show why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."
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LAWYER JOKE
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My G-d!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
Submitted by: Bob Gasway
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CLASSIC JOKE
For the man of the house:
Men's Rules(numbered #1 ON PURPOSE).
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, Not both. If you already know best how to do it, do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see is 16 colors, like Windows default setting. Peach for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong, and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun information, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that; it's like camping.
Submitted by: Elmer Nance
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USEFUL INFORMATION
HYPOTHERMIA: FIRST AID
Under most conditions your body maintains a healthy temperature. However, when exposed to cold temperatures or a cool, damp environment for prolonged periods, your body's control mechanisms may fail to keep your body temperature normal. When more heat is lost than your body can generate, hypothermia can result.
Wet or damp clothing can increase your chances of hypothermia, as can falling into cold water. An uncovered head and inadequate clothing during winter are other possible causes.
The key sign of hypothermia is an internal body temperature that drops to less than 95 F. Signs and symptoms include:
„X Shivering
„X Slurred speech
„X Abnormally slow breathing
„X Cold, pale skin
„X Loss of coordination
„X Fatigue, lethargy or apathy
Symptoms usually develop slowly. Someone with hypothermia typically experiences gradual loss of mental acuity and physical ability and so may be unaware of the need for emergency medical treatment.
Older adults, infants and young children, and people who are very lean are at particular risk. Other people at higher risk for hypothermia than the general public include those whose judgment may be impaired by mental illness or Alzheimer's disease and people who are intoxicated, homeless or caught in cold weather because their vehicles have broken down. Other conditions that may predispose people to hypothermia are malnutrition, cardiovascular disease and an underactive thyroid.
To care for someone with hypothermia:
1. Move the person out of the cold. If going indoors isn't possible, protect the person from the wind, cover his or her head and insulate his or her body from the cold ground.
2. Remove wet clothing. Replace wet things with a warm, dry covering.
3. Dial 911 or call for emergency medical assistance. While waiting for help to arrive, monitor the person's breathing. If breathing stops or seems dangerously slow or shallow, begin cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) immediately.
4. Don't apply direct heat. Don't use hot water, a heating pad or a heating lamp to warm the victim. Instead, apply warm compresses to the neck, chest wall and groin. Don't attempt to warm the arms and legs. Heat applied to the arms and legs forces cold blood back toward the heart, lungs and brain causing the core body temperature to actually drop. This can be fatal.
5. Don't give the person alcohol. Offer warm nonalcoholic drinks unless he or she is vomiting.
6. Don't massage or rub the person. Handle people with hypothermia gently because they're at risk of cardiac arrest.
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