Golf Wisdom
>
> When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
> ~Author Unknown.
>
> I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
> ~Raymond Floyd
>
> The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
> ~Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)
>
> Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
> ~Jim Bishop
>
> It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.
> I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
> ~Hank Aaron
>
> Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five
> ~Paul Harvey
>
> Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
> ~Jack Benny
>
> Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
> ~Al Boliska
>
> The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
> ~Billy Graham
>
> Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
> ~Ben Hogan
>
> Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball.
> Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
> ~Chuck Hogan
>
> If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
> ~Jack Lemmon
>
> It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
> ~Mark Twain
>
> Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
>
> ~Harry Vardon
>
> Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
> ~Woodrow Wilson
>
> A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.

> ~Author Unknown
>
> Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> Born to golf. Forced to work. (sometimes with "to pay for habit" included.)
> ~Author Unknown
>
> My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
> ~Jimmy DeMaret
>
> May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
> ~Author Unknown
>
> The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
> ~George Deukmejian
>
> AND FINALLY....
>
> Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
> ~Author Unknown

Subject: Changes in the rule book of golf
2003 Golf Rule Book Changes

Rule 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Player should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

Rule 2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.

Rule 3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.

Rule 4. If a putt passes over a hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.

Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6. There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds" If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology not a penalty.

Rule 7. There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings.

Rule 8. Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average Senior Golfer, 1/2 a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

15 Reasons Why Golf is Better Than Sex

1. It's easier to score in golf.
2. Golf-transmitted diseases are rare.
3. Everyone swings in golf.
4. When you play golf, you don't have to lubricate the hole.
5. Being called a pro is a compliment in golf.
6. Golf isn't over in a few minutes.
7. It's OK to pay for golf.
8. You can play golf for hours without getting exhausted.
9. Foursomes are more common in golf.
10. If you have trouble with one hole, you can go to another.
11. You get more rest between strokes in golf.
12. If you're not ready for golf on the first date, you can suggest miniature golf.
13. In golf, women have balls and men don't mind.
14. Premarital golf is encouraged.
15. The size of your shaft isn't important to other golfers.

A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?"

The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.

The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."

"Well, we were married for 25 years."

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined
with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said,
"Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the
biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much
this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on
in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken
bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my
window?""Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a
thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to
grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for
the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do
you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with
a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of
money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said,
"How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"You're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"He's 85, older than me and he doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"You're right, he doesn't play golf anymore but he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

Submitted by: Elmer Nance

Dedicated Golfer

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

My wife said to me, “Jere it’s about time you learned to play golf, that’s the game where you chase a ball all over the country, when you are too old to chase women.”

So I went to see Bob and asked him if he could teach me to play.

Bob said, “sure, you’ve got some balls, haven’t you?”

I said “sure, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find.”

“Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow,” Bob said, “and we’ll tee off.”

“What’s tee off?” I asked.

Bob said “it’s a golf term, and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.”

“Not for me,” I said, “you can tee off there if you want to, but I will tee off behind the barn somewhere,”

“No, no,” Bob said, “A tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger.”

“Yeah, I’ve got one of those.”

“Well,” Bob said, “you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.”

I asked, do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.”

“You do,” Bob said, “you are standing up when you put your ball on the tee.”

Well, right there I thought that was stretching things a little bit too far and I told him so.

Bob said, “you’ve got a bag haven’t you?”

“Of course,” I told him.

“Well,” he said “can’t you open your bag and take one out?”

“Well,” I said. “I suppose I could, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to.”

Bob asked me if I didn’t have a zipper on my bag, and I told him no, I’m the old fashioned type. Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well after 50 years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so!!!

He said, “you take your in both hands....” Well, right there, I knew he didn’t know what he was talking about.

Then he said, “you swing your club over your shoulder.”

“No, no, that’s not me that’s my brother you are talking about.”

He asked me, “how do you hold your club?”

Before I thought, I said, “with 2 fingers!”

Bob said that wasn’t right, and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn’t catch me there, because I didn’t put four years in the Navy for nothing!

Bob said, “ you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar.”

And I said, “I can well imagine.”

Then Bob said, “and when you are on the green.....”

“What’s the green?” I asked.

“That’s where the hole is,” Bob said.

“Sure you aren’t color blind?” I asked.

“No, then you take your putter....”

“What’s your putter?” I asked.

“That’s the smallest club made,” he said.

That’s what I’ve got, a putter!!!

“And with it, “ Bob said, “you put your ball in the hole.”

I corrected him, “you mean the putter?”

Bob said, “The ball, the hole isn’t big enough for the ball and the putter too.”

Well, I’ve seen holes big enough for the ball and the putter too!

Then Bob said, “after you finish the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen.”

He wasn’t talking to me. After two holes I’m shot to hell.

“You mean,” he said, “You can’t make eighteen holes in one day?”

“Hell no! It takes me eighteen days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I’m on the eighteenth hole?”

Then Bob said, “The flag will go up.”

THAT WOULD BE JUST MY LUCK!!!!!

Submitted by: E. Price M.D.

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally
one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of a hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally
take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well formed
bunkers.

8. Players are not to mention other courses they have played or are
currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset
course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.

10. Players should assure themsleves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being
played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if
they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrased if they find the course
to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of
play when in this case.

12. Players are advised to obtain owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several time in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.