One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing.

Subject: The Truly Useful Golf Book

The Truly Useful Golf Book. It includes the following chapters:

* How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

* How to Hit a Nike From the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off The Tee

* How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

* How to Get More Distance Off the Shank

* When to Give the Ranger the Finger

* Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

* Crying and How to Handle it

* Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10am

* How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

* How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

* Why Your Wife Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

* How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome Without Getting
Embarrassed

* How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

* When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

* G-d and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt


I understand that they are working on the sequel "When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever"

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

A man enters the confessional and says to the priest:

Man: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I've taken the L*rd's name
in vain.

Priest: Continue my son, what was the circumstance that led you to this
sin.

Man: I went golfing this afternoon, and I hit one of the worst slices
off the 13th and landed in a field of tall grass.

Priest: I understand my son. I play a little golf myself and find it
most frustrating.

Man: But that shot was not the problem. You see, I hit it with a nine
iron, out of the grass and into the trees.

Priest: I see, and this is when you cursed.

Man: No. I managed to hit out of the trees and onto the green in one
stroke, but it rolled off the green and into the sand trap.

Priest: Ah, and that's when you took the L*rd's name in vain.

Man: No, father. With my sand wedge, I was able to get out of the trap
in one stroke leaving the ball 4 inches from the cup.

Priest: Jesus H Christ, don't tell me you missed a 4 inch fricking putt?

It was the worst round of golf that I've ever played, said Joel
All I hit were two good balls, and that was because I stepped on a rake!

A group of four married guys met for a Saturday A.M. tee time. On the first tee, one man said "I am thrilled to be out on the course, it's been a while, but it will really cost me. I had to promise I would paint the entire house next weekend in order to come here today. "The second man replied "You think that's bad, I have to build a deck all around our pool. "The third guy jumped into conversation with "You both got off easy, I have to remodel the kitchen".

After the first three holes, the three men who complained realized the fourth
had been silent when they were discussing their problems, and one asked "Hey,
you didn't say anything about what you had to promise your wife to be able to
play golf today, what gives? "He said he did not have to do anything. The
others were confused and asked him to explain his secret. He said "It was
easy, I just set my alarm clock for 5:00 AM. When the alarm went off, I rolled
over and nudged my wife and asked her "Golf course or intercourse?" and she said "Don't forget your sunscreen."

A woman tries her skill at golf. Her first shot ends up deep in the rough. While searching for the ball, she gets a horrible case of poison ivy. After several weeks of recovery, she gives it another try, and again her first shot ends up in the rough. This time, while looking for the ball, she steps on a sharp, metal object and requires several stitches. Refusing to give up, she goes back out the next day. Once again, her first shot sails off into the rough. While digging around for her ball, she gets
stung by a wasp. Furious, she storms back to the club house, where she vows never to play the game again.

The golf pro, upon hearing her announcement, tries to offer comfort. "Don't you think you're over-reacting?" he asks.

"Every time I hit the ball, it goes in the rough, and then something terrible happens!" she shouts.

"I'll bet there's something in your technique that I could change with a few suggestions and you'd be fine", he consoles her.

"Oh yeah? Well I just got stung by a wasp! What could you possibly say that could have prevented that?" she asks angrily.

"Where did you get stung?" he inquires.

"Between the first and second holes", she snaps.

"See there", he responds, "Your stance is too wide"

During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives.

From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"

A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro says, "You've got to hold the
club like you hold your husband's organ."
She takes the club and hits the ball.
He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance."

Two friends went out golfing and their tee shots were
horrible. One guy hit it way left, the other way right. They decided that
the shots were so bad that they would just meet up at the hole. So the
first guy looks and looks and finds his ball sitting down deep
in a field of beautiful Buttercups. So he promptly pulls out his
7 iron and starts whacking away.

Buttercups are flying everywhere but the ball won't come out.
Well, finally Mother Nature got mad. She came up from the ground
and said to the man "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups
and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm
going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups your
punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year".

Well the man started to laugh and goes back to whacking at
the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said " Hey! this is no laughing matter. What do
you find so funny?" The man and said "My buddy is over on
the other side in the Pussywillows"