An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work.

Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her.

Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?

Meyer, a lonely Jewish widower, was walking home along the street one day wishing that something wonderful would happen in his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish.

"Quawwwwk...vus macht du....yeah, du....outside, standing like a putzel....eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. When suddenly the proprietor sprang out from the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here fella and check out this parrot..."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

"Vu den? Chinese maybe?"

In a matter of moments Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked to the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends.
They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers.

The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to davan and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the high holy days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (at even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed. Meyer heard not a peep from the bird.

He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"

Nothing.

"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"

Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found out that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing.

Finally, several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made you tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

“Don't be a shmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kipper!"

A British Jew is waiting on line to be knighted by the Queen.
He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his
turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows
in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot.
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, Why is this knight different from all other knights?

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

RABBINICAL WISDOM

A little Rabbi gets on a train. At the next stop a group of Priests get on.

After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "Why does everybody think that Jews are smarter than Gentiles?"

The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn't want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists and says that he wants to test the theory and make a bet.

The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi $1,000- if the Rabbi asks him a question that he can't answer, and that the Rabbi should pay him $1,000- if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can't answer.

The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has $50- on him to prepare for the Sabbath

The Priest says fine then we'll make it my $1,000 against your $50.

The Rabbi sees that he can't get out of this so he agrees but on one condition: that he goes first.

The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following question: "What kind of animal has the body of a Lion, the face of a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on its front legs and 5 webbed toes on its rear legs, swims under water and flies in the air?"

The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn't know then asks if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands $1000 over to the Rabbi.

He then asks the Rabbi, "What kind of animal was it?"

The Rabbi says "How should I know"? and gives him $50.00.

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has
decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should ask," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to G-d for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the father. "

G-d said, 'Funny you should ask...

Talmudic Logic

The Priest met his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much, but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud.

The Rabbi replied: You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud. But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud. Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question. The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi , What is the Question? The Rabbi then said to the Priest:

Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up? Very Simple, replied the Priest. The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up. The Rabbi then said to the Priest:

I told that that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty, and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up.

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: This I did not think of. Ask me, please another question. The Rabbi then says to the Priest: Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of these two goes to wash up? The Priest then says to the Rabbi: Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and therefore does not go to wash up.

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up.

The Priest complains to the Rabbi, But you did not tell me that that there is a mirror there. The Rabbi then tells the Priest: I told you. You are a Non-Jew, and with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities.

All right, groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. Let us try once more. Ask me one more question.

For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest, Two men fall through the chimney. One came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?"

That is very simple! replied the Priest. If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up.

If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up.

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: I told that you will not succeed in understanding. Tell me: How is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean?

The temple board president, a very pious Jew, was extremely distressed in receiving the news that his only son has converted to Christianity. He is so besides himself that he goes to talk to the Rebbe, the highest authority he knows.

He says "Rebbe, Rebbe what have I done wrong? I brought him to Temple every day. I taught him everything that I was taught, gave him all I was given. Where, where did I go wrong?"

The Rebbe says "Funny ting, my only son too, he has converted to Christianity. I, too, can not figure out what went wrong, after all I am the Rebbe, surely my teachings and guidance should have been sufficient." The Rebbe continues "There is only one thing we can do, we must speak to a higher authority still.

The Rebbe and the Board President make there way to the sanctuary and they begin to speak to G-d. They say:"Oh, Adoni, where have we gone
wrong, our only sons have shunned us and converted to Christianity, what shall we do? Where did we go wrong?"

A big booming voice is heard from above to say; "FUNNY THING!"

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.

Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.

He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room, with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and
worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son.

"On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

The family managed to bring the patriarchal Zayda from Hungary and he came to live with his daughter and her family. The old man was fascinated by New York and all it had to offer.

One day, his grandson Yankel took him to the zoo in Central Park. Most of the animals were familiar to the old man.
However, they came to the cage where the laughing hyena was confined, and the old man became curious.

"Yankel, in the old country, I never heard of an animal that laughed."

Yankel noticed the keeper standing nearby and approached him.

"My grandfather recently came here from Europe. He says they don't have laughing hyenas there. Could you tell me something about him so I can, in turn, tell him about it?"

The keeper said, "Well, he eats once a day."

Yankel turned to his Zayda and, in Yiddish, translated, "Zayda, he eats once a day."

The keeper continued, "He takes a bath once a week."

"Zayda, he bathes once a week."

The old man listened intently.

The keeper added, "He mates once a year."

"Zayda, he mates once a year."

The old man shook his head up and down and said thoughtfully, "All right, he eats once a day. He bathes once a week. But if he mates only once a year, why is he laughing?"