A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."



submitted by: Renee Andert

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"

I replied "Dust"

And that's how the fight started.

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.
-------------------------------------------

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's how the fight started.
-------------------------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's how the fight started.
-------------------------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, med rare,please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.

Submitted by: Matthew G.

If My Body Was A Car

This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Submitted by: Bob Gasway

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs.Johnson,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Johnson, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares.
Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand
from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible'theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, you will be depriving them of some good humor



Submitted by: Sharron Cohen

Subject: The Undertaker

Roy, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife."

I had a terrible day," replies Roy."I had to go to a hotel and pick
up a man who had died in his sleep.

When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a
body bag because he had this huge erection.

Sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this
huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in
half."

"I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied, "Wrong room!"





submitted by: Harold Greene

Subject: THE RULE OF CHOCOLATE

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

submitted by: MPG

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment You on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any
fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

submitted by: Aileen Gordon & Sharon Cohen

REASONS TO LIVE WITH A DOG INSTEAD OF A WOMAN

1. Dogs love it when your friends come over.

2. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late.

3. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

4. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

5. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

6. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

7. A Dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking directions.

9. Dogs don't hate their bodies.

10. No dog ever bought a Ricky Martin album.

11. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

12. Dogs never criticize.

13. Dogs would rather have hamburger than lobster for dinner.

14. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you've had too much to drink.

G-d’s Problem now

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man who had just lost his wife looked at the pastor and calmly said, “well she’s there now”.




submitted by: Aileen Gordon

WORD PLAYS

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they die.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.



submitted by: Tom Swift