I, uh, rearended a car a few days ago...

The driver got out of the other car and I couldn't
help but notice that he was a dwarf...

...and that he was REALLY pissed!

He walked to the back of his car, looked at the damage,
strolled over to my door, looked up and said,

"I am NOT happy!"

I just looked at him and said, "Well, then, which one ARE you?"

Submitted by: Aileen Gordon

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

submitted by: Jim Brown

OLD IS WHEN

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee.

A Friend Is Like A. Good Bra... Hard To Find, Supportive, Comfortable and Always Close To Your Heart!

"Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow...

submitted by: Millicent Berger

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Submitted by: Bob Gasway

1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk"..

3. The early bird still has to eat worms.

4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.

8. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Submitted by: Bob Gasway

The Sportsman Double

I picked up an older woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 67.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a conversation, and she asked if I'd ever had the Sportsman's Double.

I said I'm not sure what that was.

She said a mother and daughter three-some.

We drank a bit more, and then she says that tonight was my lucky night!

I said, "That sounds great, let's go!"

We went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"

submitted by: Rene Andert

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.

Submitted by: Judy Herbst

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn
construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and
decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and
talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:
"Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.
One of the workers looked up at the steelworks and yelled,"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Why"?

The worker yelled back, "His wife's here with his lunch."

Submitted by: Aileen Gordon

Just in case you don't understand how a "Government" program works, here is
an example:

The Night Watchman :

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a
desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night
watchman position and hired a person at $18,000 a year for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to
write the instructions for $22,000, and one person to do time studies for an
additional $22,000 per year.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks
correctly? So they created a Quality Control department and hired two
people. One to do the studies for $31,000 and one to write the reports for
an additional $31,000 per year.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they
created the following positions, a time keeper for $35,000 annual salary,
and a payroll officer for an additional $35,000, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So
they created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer at $155,000 per year, Assistant Administrative
Officer $125,000, and a Legal Secretary for an additional $100,000 per year.

Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year with a budget
cost of $574,000.00 and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall
cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Submitted by: Bob Gasway

Forgetful

"George is SO forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met old man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."

submitted by: Aileen Gordon