Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

The things that come to those who wait are what's left behind by those who got there first.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

The older you get, the better you get, (unless you're a banana)

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years.

Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.

At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."

"Memory school? What memory school?"

Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?"

"A rose?"

"Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

Senior Moment?

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

Ma'am, said the newspaper employee, today is Saturday . The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.... as she was heard to mutter 'Well shit ... So that's probably why no one was at church today.

Submitted by: Aileen Gordon

When you have a lot of things to do, it's best to get your nap out of the way first."

Submitted by: Renee Andert

Thought for the day

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or play with it, Pee on it and walk away.

submitted by: Renee Andert

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF ...
Your Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your brother-in-law
You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the table...in front of her children
You hid last year's Easter eggs under cow patties
You've been married 3 times...and still have the same in-laws
You think a woman is "out of your league" if she bowls on a different night
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People"
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean
Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named Darryl
You think Dom Perignon is a member of the Mafioso
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare
You think the last words of The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen,
start your engines"
You once lit a match in your bathroom and blew your house right off its wheels
You take a six-pack to church
The bluebook Value of your truck varies, depending upon how much gas it
has in the tank
You have to go outside to get something out of the "fridge"
One of your kids was born on a pool table
You need one more hole punched in your card for a freebie at the House
of Tattoos
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard
Ya can't git married to yor sweetheart 'cause there's a law again' it
You dated one of your parent's spouses in high school
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk
Your school's fight song is "Dueling Banjos"
Your toilet paper had page numbers on it

Would be funny if it were not so true!!!
My father-in-law had prostate surgery. We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at eight.
We were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home.

Two months later our beagle, Bo, also had prostate surgery.

When I brought him in, I asked the veterinarian what time I should pick him up.
The vet told me Bo would remain overnight.
"Overnight?" I said "My father-in-law came home the same day."

The vet looked at me and said, "Bo's not on Medicare!"

Submitted by: Aileen Gordon

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife!!!
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second bust would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$!%!@!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Submitted by: Elmer Nance

Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper.

Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.

But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down."

Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"


submitted by: Bob Gasway

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked
into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. The man
and nun started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about
his wife and 13 children.

"My, my," said the nun, "13 children... You're a good, proper
Catholic family. G-d is very proud of you!"

"I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!?" she replies and immediately gets up to leave.

"Sister,why are you leaving?"

"I didn't realize I was talking to a sex maniac!"




submitted by: Harold Greene