What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Lawyer driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The lawyer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated six years from now."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute?
Who cares?

What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They're both extinct.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.