Isaac Weiss, a married man, goes to the shul and tells the Rabbi, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."

The Rabbi says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

Isaac says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The Rabbi replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, pray for forgiveness and put $50 in the 'Tzedakah box'."

Isaac leaves the Rabbi, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the Tzedakah box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The Rabbi, who was watching, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the Tzedakah box!"

Isaac replied, "Well, Rabbi, I rubbed the $50 against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

A woman in Israel went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" replied the woman. "Well, give me 50 Conservative, 2 Orthodox, and 37 Reform ones.

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.

The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."

"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"

"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"

"What about different positions?" the man asks.

"No problem," says the rabbi.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Why not?" replies the rabbi.

"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"

"Well, what about standing up?"

"NO!" says the rabbi.... "Could lead to dancing!"

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."

The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.

The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly
agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.

This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Chief Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"

The Rabbi smiles and says, "Here it's a local call."

One of the richest Jewish men on the East Coast of the US had to go into the hospital for a week. So he booked himself into one of the best hospitals in the whole USA. Within a couple of days he moved to a small downtown Brooklyn hospital. One of the doctors in this hospital asked what was wrong with the first hospital.

"Was the medical care not good enough?"

"No - the medical care was the best available. I couldn't complain".

"Was the nursing care OK"

"Yes - the nursing care was brilliant. I couldn't complain"

"What about the food and the wards?"

"The food was cordon bleu, fantastic, and the hospital rooms were perfect. I couldn't complain".

"So why did you leave there for here" the doctor asked.

"Here, I can complain!"

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic Priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

Jewish View on When Life Begins

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins.

In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.

Q: What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?

A: Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.

A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she doesn't have correct change for the fare. The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "Oy, If you knew vat I had, you'd be nicer to me." He caves in and lets her ride for free.

She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but people won't move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "Oh, If you know vat I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle.

She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat. Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "OY, If you know vat I had, you'd be nicer to me." Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort.

A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, "I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you've got, anyway?"

The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, "Chutzpah!"

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"