A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day
of kindergarten.

"Behave, my bubaleh" she says.

"Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"

"And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."

"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"

At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son
and hugs him.

"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"

The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."

A Jewish couple won twenty-million pounds on the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler.

They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."

An Indian brave named Sitting Bull comes home to the wigwam and informs his father that he's found a wonderful new, Jewish, girlfriend and they're getting married.

Naturally the father is upset.

"Why don't you find a nice Indian girl? It's not right for Indians to marry out. Anyway, I'm sure that Jews feel the same way. Surely they're not thrilled with having an Indian son-in-law".

"Not true!", replies the brave. "They like me so much that they've already given their daughter a new Indian name".

"What's that?" says the father.
"Sitting Shiva"

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday."

"Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday

Insuring Success

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, do your best and just remember if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew, that he needed a samurai.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and show why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and show why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOSH. WOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and show why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

A Jewish patriarch was on the witness stand.
"How old are you?", asked the District Attorney.
"I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one."
"What was that?"
"I said, I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one years old."
"Just answer the question!" yelled the D.A., "How old are you!?"
"Kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one." the old man replied.
The judge said, "The witness will answer the question & only the question or be held in contempt of court!"
The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge, "Your Honor, may I ask?" and turned towards the old man,
"Kayn aynhoreh, how old are you?"
The old man replied, "Eighty-one"

The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her for Purim .

"I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble... First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard..."

"Mom!" he tells her, "I'm the President! You won't need a cab. I'll send a limo."

"That would be nice, but I'll still have to get my ticket at the airport... And try to get a seat on the plane... And I hate sitting in the middle..."

"Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!"

"Yes, well, but when we land, I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport... And try to find a cab... And you know what holiday crowds are like..."

"Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"

"I don't know... I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive... And they're not like they once were..."

"Ma! You'll stay at the White House!"

"Well..." She thinks. "I guess. All right," she sighs. "I'll come...for you."

A conversation with a Jewish mother

- Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?

- You're going out?

- Yes,

- With whom?

- With a friend.

- I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.

- I didn't leave him. He left me!

- You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.

- I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?

- I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.

- There are lots of things that you did and I don't.

- What are you hinting at?

- Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.

- You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?

- My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he
left me, he probably never slept alone!

- So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?

- He's not a loser.

- A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and
a parasite.

- I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?

- Poor children with such a mother.

- Such as what?

- With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.

- ENOUGH!

- Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!

- Now you're worried about the loser?

- Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.

- Good-bye, mother.

- Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?

- I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!

- If you never go out, how do you ever expect to meet anyone

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing.

The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."

The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?