Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick
packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that
the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me
the bottle opener"

"I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets
worried, he turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy
didn't bring it.

So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and
Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat
all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their
tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace.

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but
a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a
promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take
out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up
from behind a rock and shouts, "I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT GOING!"

Submitted by: Renee Andert

Why Men Wear Earrings

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)

Submitted by: Alicia Risdon

CUTE ONE LINERS

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

submitted by: Ray Ziff

Subject: Lab Diet

I used to have a Labrador retriever and I was buying a fifty pound bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Purina Diet' again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out all over and I-Vs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I had been sitting in the street licking my testicles when a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to piss his pant, he was laughing so hard.

submitted by: Rene Andert

Bill and Tim are quietly sittin' in a boat on a Minnesota lake, fishing and suckin' down beer, when suddenly Bill says,

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Tim sips his beer, thinks about this for a while and says,

"You better think it over - women like that are damn hard to find."

Submitted by: Elmer Nance

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.

Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife took a pistol from her pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

Remember: Dogs are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Submitted Alicia Risdon

You might be a geek if...

You know what http:// stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep, or they're just equalizing air pressure on both sides of their eardrums.
You window shop at Radio Shack.
You're both in the back-seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
You've already calculated how much you make per second.
You've tried to repair a $5 radio.
You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
The salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

Submitted by: Jim Brown

A DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN



Argument (ar*gyou*ment):n.

A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*head): n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a Police Officer.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q): n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up - but he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks):n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope):n.
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer):n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet soda (dy*it so*da):n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee):n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz): v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list): n
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair dresser (hare dres*er): n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware store (hard*war stor): n.
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth): n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "focus....breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik): n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park): v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens): n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah): n.
Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae): n.
A day when you have dreams of a candle light dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Submitted by: Renee Andert