Women Drivers

Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that dang makeup!!! It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my other ear which fell into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!

DARN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

Submitted by: Alicia Risdon

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

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It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

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Dear L*rd, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, L*rd, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

Submitted by: Leslie Granowitz

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN.......

I'm the life of the party, even when it lasts until 8 P.M.

I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my-aspirin-beano-antacid

I'm the first one to find the bathroom, wherever we go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.

I'm very good at telling stories.... over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for, long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care..,

I'm not grouchy. I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like......

I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

I'm walking more (to the bathroom and enjoying it less).

I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors –absolutely nothing!

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm in the initial state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel. How could I be alive at 150?

I'm supporting all movements now by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the storeroom.

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN AND I THINK I AM HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE!!!

On an elderly gentleman's 80th birthday, some of his friends decide they want to do something special for him, so they send a prostitute over to his house to have sex with him.

The prostitute knocks on the door and the 80 year old man answers. The prostitute says, "I'm here to give you super sex."

The old man's hearing isn't quite what it used to be, so he says, "What's that dearie?"

The prostitute speaks a little louder and says, "I said, I am here to give you super sex."

Again the old man asks her to repeat herself.

Very slowly, she yells, "I am here to give you super sex."

The old man finally understands and replies, "Oh, I guess I'll have the soup."

Submitted by: Aunt Ruth

PICTURE THIS:
Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane
stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that
there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith
had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown
before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front
of him throughout the entire flight.

The pilot approached the blind man, and calling him by name, said "Keith,
we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and
stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs".

Now, picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet stand still when
they look up and see the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only
tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Have a great day and remember things aren't always as they appear.

Submitted by: Renee Andert

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Submitted by: Bob Gasway

Ten things you should never say to a woman during an argument ...

1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Ooooh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute...I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
7. Whoa, time out honey. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning.
9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

Submitted by: MAG

Married 25 Years

Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

Submitted by: Elmer Nance

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asked.

She answered, "Because I'm dead."

The husband asked "What are you talking about?

We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!"

She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insisted, "You are not dead.

What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

Submitted by: Jeff Z.

Subject: PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him)

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Submitted by: Renee Andert