A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Shit."

Submitted by: Renee Andert

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.



"Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my G-D! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?



They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"



The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"



The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."



Submitted by: Judy Herbst & Rebee Andert

"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.

"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother:
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her
life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said: "So then why is the
Groom wearing black?"

Three old sisters -- 92, 94, and 96 years old, respectively all lived together. One day the oldest drew a bath. She put one foot in the water, paused, then called downstairs to her sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or out of the tub?

The middle sister started up the stairs to help, then paused and called back downstairs, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The youngest sister, who was sitting at the kitchen table having tea, said, "I guess I'll have to help. I hope I never get that forgetful!" and knocked on wood. She got up then, paused, and called; "I'll come up as soon as I see who's at the door!"

Submitted by: Aunt Ruth

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the Doc said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Submitted by My Aunt Ruth

A recently retired rich couple from New York City, Mr. & Mrs. George Smith now living in Boca Raton, Florida were getting ready to go out to dinner. His wife came out of the bedroom and said to Geo0rge, "Darling, do you want me to wear this Channel suit or the Gucci one?

"Do I care?" he replied.

A few minutes later his wife, again, came out of the bedroom and said to her husband, "George shall I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?

"Who gives a damn?" said George.

A few more minutes passed and, again, she came out of the bedroom and said to her husband, "Abe darling, shall I wear my five carat pear diamond ring or my six carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"

To which George responded, "Hey, I really don't really care already, but if you don't get your act together real soon, we are going to miss the early bird special."

Submitted by: Alicia Risdon

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 75 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 75 year old mother says "not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

Submitted by: Scrubman

Grandparents

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose, we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb jerk' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!"

submitted by: Bob Gasway

At last, men demystified!

~~ The Man Code ~~

The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator
is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours
his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a
good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must
bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait
10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10 scale.

No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly
optional and slightly gay.

Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast,
your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor
party.

Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his
permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem you didn't see
nothin'.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never
ask who's playing.

It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a
topless super model...and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring
to his beer.

Never join your girlfriend/wife in discussing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all
other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
not join him...too gay."

"Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Submitted by: Renee Andert