There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon
entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it might wipe that smile off of your face!"

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a septic tank truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:!
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed..
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbours are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

OLD AGE

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my
body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our
boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For
fast relief."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your
inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

A group of Texas. friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired of him.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA -- they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head scientist at NASA asked everyone to be quiet as he was receiving a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," he said with a broad smile on his face, "After twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that's impossible... we could never do it... yes, Mr. President," and hung up the phone.

He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in the Congress."

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Submitted by: Harold Greene

Prozac is like chicken soup, it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.

Submitted by: Lindsay G.

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper and his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a shoe.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching TV again when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"

The wife answered, "Your horse called."

Submitted by: Margo Australia

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?