A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have some
joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's
going to get a drink from the river. At the river bank, the lizard is so
stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and
swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains
to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his
new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the
jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He
looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "WOW, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70 year old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80 year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60 year old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

You Know You're A Redneck When...

You take your dog for a walk, and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to
spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back, and they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you
home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take
them out to see what it is.

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS....

There was this fellow from Mississippi, driving down I-55 South who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait....

A out of state traveler headed for New Orleans, studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."

In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Submitted by: Harold Greene

A woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. But, I don't want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or worse. I want to know all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z!’

The voice on the other end of the line said, "That's a very unusual request....What is the patient's name and room number?

"She said, 'Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.

He said, 'Finkel, Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber, Finkel. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock.'

The woman said, 'Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh, thank G-d! Her test came back normal, she's getting off the heart machine in a couple of hours you say. Oh! that's fantastic, darling! And she is being released tomorrow at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that! . . . That's wonderful news!'

The man on the phone said, 'From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!'

She said, 'What close family or friend? I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen my doctor tells me nothing."