Eight words with two meanings:

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male..........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male...........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the breeding fee from the bank. The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker says he knows a great veterinarian and that he'll send him out the next day to check the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and told the banker, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says the smiling farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear L*rd: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

G-d, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P..M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "L*rd, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The L*rd, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night."

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment You on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any
fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Random Silliness

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool, Who said, Quit while you are ahead?

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Before marriage, a man Yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

In the computer world, every morning is the dawn of a new error...

For people who like peace and quiet; a phone less cord.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

WHAT IS A CAT?

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

A woman awakes during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room," Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 25 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 25 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today"

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother,
"Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe
there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll
show him how wrong he is."

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be
yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if
it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what
you're doing, someone else always does.

6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it
shrinks two sizes!

9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,
how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as
a bell my body said, "Listen fatty ... do it and die."

10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day.

Submitted by: Bob Gasway