Subject: Moses


Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

Sorry moses says last time I talked to a Bush I wandered the desert for fourty years.

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee. When they turn
a corner they see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar" "ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!

They look at each other, and then go in. The old bartender says in a
voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for
you, what'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis--and says,
"That'll be 10 cents each please." They can't believe their luck. They
pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying, "That's 40 cents more please." They pay the 40 cents but their
curiosity is more than they can stand--they've each had two martinis and
so far have spent less than a dollar!

Finally, one of the men can't stand it any longer and asks the bartender
"How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime
apiece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor,
beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story" says one of the men. The four of them sipped
at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the
end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't
ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the
three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender,
"What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida, they're waiting for
happy hour!!

Subject: UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.


LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery.

On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.

She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness.

The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

HOW TO BATHE THE CAT
===================
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top ... so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.

Sincerely,
The Dog

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A little while later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to
his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my
feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a
muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

Well, I guess I just panicked."

Words of Wisdom...

1. Birds of a feather flock together, and then crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

14. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

15. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!

What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? You can drop her off anywhere.

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with? What ever she wants. He's sleeping.

Where does virgin wool come from? Ugly sheep.

How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony? It isn't hard.

How can you piss off your wife while making love? Call her from your mobile phone.

What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night? His last name.

What's the down side to a threesome? You could disappoint two women instead of just one.

How do you know you're really ugly? Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

Why are hurricanes named after women? Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.

A man sat at a local bar savoring a double martini when an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of vodka and orange juice. The man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence. I'm celebrating too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" she asked.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence," she said. "For years my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile," she asked.?

"Oh, I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence, " she said.