One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did mommy go?"

In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, daddy?"

The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime...

Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"

The Advantages Of Breast Milk

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom,
staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his
head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again,
what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old coot!"

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1944."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

Submitted by: Bob Gasway

One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow, that is one ugly baby."

The woman was deeply hurt. She continued to get on to the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asked her, "What's wrong? You look mad."

She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir, I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.

It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?"

It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FRIGGEN PORRIDGE YET!!

Big John, a huge lumberjack, goes to the dentist with a terrific toothache. The dentist checks him over and says "That tooth has to come out. Do you want gas or Novocain?"

Big John says "Just pull the damn thing, Doc I don't want anything".

The dentist says "You'd better have something the pain will be intolerable".

Big John says "Doc, I've only felt pain twice in my life".

The dentist says "Tell me about it".

Big John tells the dentist he was in the woods on a snowy winter day and he had to take a terrific dump, so he dropped his pants and squatted. He didn't realize he was squatting over a bear trap and the trap snapped shut on his balls. He said he felt real pain.

The dentist asked him when he felt pain for the second time.

Big John said "When I got to the end of the chain!"

Submitted by Jeff Z and Margo Australia

"10 Commandments of Marriage"

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand --
and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and
the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman
become as one; the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night thinking about something you
said. After marriage, he will fall asleep
before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good
cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome,
understanding, economical and a considerate
lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries.
After that, he is finished.

A woman went to the doctors' offices where she was seen by one of the
new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst
out of the room, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told
him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go
relax in another room. The older doctor marched down hallway to the
back where the first, much younger,doctor was and demanded, "What's
the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown
children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking
up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

A woman was sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work drink with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely* sexy, young
man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely* anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20 - on one* condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed from her purse a $20 note, which she pressed into the young man's hand, along with her address.* She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully whispered...... "Clean my house."