How To Know You're Growing Older"

-Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

-The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

-You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

-Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

-You get winded playing chess.

-Your children begin to look middle aged.

-You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

-You join a health club and don't go.

-You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

-You decide to procrastinate but then never get around to it.

-Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

-You need glasses... to find your teeth.

-A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

-You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

-You look forward to a dull evening.

-You walk with your head held high trying to get use to your bifocals.

-Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."

-You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.

-You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.

-Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

-You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

-You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

-After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

-Dialing long distance wears you out.

-You're startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer."

-You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.

-You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

-You burn the midnight oil after 9 p.m..

-Your back goes out more than you do.

-A fortune teller offers to read your face.

-The little gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.

-You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

-You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

-Your sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

-You go to the beauty shop so they can touch up those gray hairs...on your chin.

-When you go to get your hair cut...in your ears.

-When you don't know where the mustache ends and the nose hair begins.

-When Maalox is your after dinner drink.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...Couldn't walk for a year."

There was a chill in the air. A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below your
waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said “Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.”

Cleaning Tips

Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations)

Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter)

Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck, always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean. You figure if you can live in it, they can surely stand it for a 30 minute visit.

The early bird still has to eat worms.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

Don't argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

For years and years they told me, be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram.

"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,

Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one." Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how THEY come out.

Sol & Sadie have just gotten married. Sol is 86 and Sadie is 83.

Sadie says, "Sol, it's our wedding night. Come up stairs and make love to me".

And Sol says, " I can only do one or the other."

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked
the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.

Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night.

The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends, and none of them confirms that.

Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.

So the wife calls 10 of his best friends : 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them !

Conclusion:

Men are better friends!

Two horses are talking, and one of them says to the other horse, “you know, during the second race, just as I was going around the curve at the far end of the track, I slipped on this muddy spot and fell down. I scraped my stomach and hurt my balls.”

“You know,” Said the second horse, “today during the fifth race, I was going around the same curve and I slipped at the same spot and scraped my stomach and hurt my balls, what a coincidence!”

A dog who just happened to be walking by turns to the horses and says “I am really sorry to interrupt, but I over heard what you 2 were saying. You see I was in the dog race today, and just as I was going around that that bend I slipped on a wet spot and scraped my stomach and hurt my balls. I just can’t believe the coincidence!”

The dog says good by and walks off, and one horse turns to the other and says “what do you know about that! A TALKING DOG!”