Subject: THE TRUTH IN 13 WORDS...

Inside every older person is a younger person Wondering what the hell happened

When his eyes began to give him trouble, a Polish man went to an ophthalmologist. The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ.

"Can you read that" the doctor asked?

"Can I read it?" the Pole replied. "I dated his sister!

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl and says, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite," the mother warns.

"Okay," the little girl says, "how much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions that are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Enough questions now, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorced."

"Oh really?" the mother asks, "why is that?"

The girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

Submitted by Renee Andert

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

Submited by: Harold Greene

For the man of the house:
Men's Rules(numbered #1 ON PURPOSE).

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, Not both. If you already know best how to do it, do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see is 16 colors, like Windows default setting. Peach for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong, and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun information, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that; it's like camping.

Submitted by: Elmer Nance

The young rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

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NEWS FLASH! - Abilene, Texas----- West Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in College Station. Texas search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and co-pilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

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A Texas State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-20.
The trooper asked, "You got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Submitted by: Elmer Nance

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!

G-d grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good -fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If G-d wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ..I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

submitted by: Bob Gasway

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Submitted by: Bob Gasway

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Submitted by: Judy Herbst