Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation
and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the
pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said,

"Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their
companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with ever imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or
sick. This is Heaven!"

Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the
answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do
here is enjoy yourself."

Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your f....... bran muffins. We
could have been here 15 years ago!"

Submitted by: Bob Fields

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.

Submitted by Matthew G.

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was
amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive?

How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it.

How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's
still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got
married.

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118- year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?

Submitted by: My Aunt Ruth

aphorisms

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Submitted by: Bob Gasway

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

Submitted by: Scrubman

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because the prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

Submitted by: Scrubman

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said: "You must have really pissed Grandma off then."

Submitted by: Alicia Risdon

Subject: The Perks of being over 70........

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.

3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much! worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Submitted by: Aileen Gordon

An 80-year-old man was having an annual physical.

As the doctor listened to his heart with the stethoscope, he began to mutter, "Uh-oh."

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doctor, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid that with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Perplexed, the old man thought a minute and said, "Which half -- the looking or the thinking?"

Submitted by: Margo Australia

Charlie, Jenny's husband, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something's up. It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day she told her friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too: Charley was too tired!"

Submitted by: Alicia Risdon & Ray Ziff