Two gas company servicemen, a training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from the last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. Naturally, they stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I just knew I'd better run too!"

submitted by: Elmer Nance

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'G-d made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible
that you told me the human race was created by G-d, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple.

I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Submitted by: Renee Andert

Best 'Out-of-Office' Automatic e-mail Replies...

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply
to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of
the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received
anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain
and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99
for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your
message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your
message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try
sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing
system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a
reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of
Steve.

submitted by: J. R. Z.

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit."

submitted by: Elmer Nance

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

submitted by: Elmer Nance

You Gotta Love the Irish!!

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. ; ; I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


submitted by: Elmer Nance

You Gotta Love the Irish!!

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "L*rd take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."




submitted by: Elmer Nance

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90.




submitted by: Renee Andert

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded "politely" and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.

The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out..... 'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'



submitted by: Eddie Herbst

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her father, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question.

"What is sex...?"

He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he
could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

Finally when her father was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His daughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Mom says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."



submitted by: Renee Andert