A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary
clinic for inoculations and worming.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I
realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I
turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head
when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent.

As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered,
"I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."



submitted by: Judy Herbst

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna
casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.



submitted by: Renee Andert

The Cowboy Boots

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough,they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, “they're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."



submitted by: Aileen Gordon

This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle...then find yourself laughing out loud.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

............................................................................
.............................................

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to ! explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug " yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative!!!

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later ( I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."Proof some men are stupid

Submitted by: Aileen Gordon

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how
much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


submitted by: Matt Doros

Man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
Hostage answers yes. Robber shoots him in the head. Asks second hostage if he saw him rob the bank. Hostage answers no, but my wife did.


Submitted by: Renee Andert

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.


1-Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

2-In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

3-Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

4-Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

5-Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

6-Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

7-Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

8-In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

9-Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

10-Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

Submitted by: Renee Andert

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.


1-Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

2-In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

3-Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

4-Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

5-Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

6-Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

7-Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

8-In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

9-Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

10-Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

Submitted by: Renee Andert

An old Indian was asked what his wife's name was. "Wife Name - Three Horse."

"Thats an unusual name for your wife - Three Horse - What does it mean?"

"Its an old indian name...means... Nag - Nag - Nag "

Submitted by: Renee Andert

My sister has the courage--but not always the skills--to tackle any home-repair project.

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.

"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?" Dianne suggested.

Submitted by: Elmer Nance