Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with
short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds
when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these"

Submitted by: Bob Gasway

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER

Why Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans
take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be
President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a
water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you
the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same
work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental --
$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The
occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood -- all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own
jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If
someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your
underwear is $8.95 for three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than
enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to
see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original
color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to
shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly
usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for
all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails
with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in
25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

Submitted by: Judy Herbst

More Maxines:

I used to have Saturday Night Fever... Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old... as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age… But they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up!



submitted by: Renee Andert

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking...
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet.
Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters.
Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard.
Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out
everytime we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

15. Invisible fences.
Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dog dom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

Submitted by: MAG

CHILDREN'S LOGIC

1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it
hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
at last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
how you and G-d are alike?"! I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he
asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me,
so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma,
I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her
what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall
not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"

7. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the
movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The
scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused
the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it
was the 20,000 leaks!"

8. When my grandson, Tyler, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," he advised. "Mine says I'm
four."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a
little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said,
"How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just
change "y" to "i" and add 'es'."

11. Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small
boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took
the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she
asked "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a
child."

12. A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He
had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her
life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my
coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best part of
waking up is soldiers in your cup!"

13. Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of
their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which
showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was
meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy. "I see, and that
must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," Ms Susie said. But who's the fourth
person?"- - - - - - "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."

14. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of
the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the
argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the
fire hydrant."

Submitted by: Wanda Forsythe

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener. Now everyone thinks that I'm cool, too.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it, Pumping Rust.

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it.

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

How come we never hear any "father-in-law" jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch,' but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me: they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping G-d grades on a curve rather than pass/fail.

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

Submitted by: Elmer Nance

1. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.... the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of
the members knows how to play one.

2. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn
that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, 'I'd
like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,' five guys and two women
stand up.

4. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season
is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of.'

6. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.... the choir is known as the
'OK Chorale.'

7. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500
members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory.

8. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... people think 'rapture' is
what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2
galvanized 'Wheeling ' washtub.

10. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.... the choir robes were donated
by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are
really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.

12. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell; you are
called to service by a duck call.

13. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife
drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's
Farm 'Tickled Pink.'

15. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... 'Thou shall not covet' applies
to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the
benediction are, “'Y'all come back now, ya heah. G-d Bless and don't Y'all
fergit ta say yer prayers!!!”




Submitted by: Jim Brown

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.


Submitted by: Bob Gasway

Patient

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the old head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!



submitted by: Elmer Nance

A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day.

"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.

On the morning of Mother's Day, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a
soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

******* she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well,
Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.



submitted by: Jim Brown