A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

A Blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger blown off. "How did this happen?", the doctor asked.

"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the Blonde replied.

"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"

"No, silly! First I put the gun between my breasts and I thought, I just paid $100,000 for these. Then I put it in my mouth and I thought, I just paid $24,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"

"No" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one A Blonde actress from America, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought she was having her picture taken."

She was so Blonde
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats

- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"

- she tried to drown a fish

- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"

- if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back

- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store

- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless

- she studied for a blood test

- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train

- she sold the car for gas money

- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved

- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill

- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead

Male Bashing

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear under pants don't you?



He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart!



He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!



He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.



On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . " I do not"



Q. How many honest, intelligent,! caring men in the world does it take to do
the dishes?
A. Both of them.



Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.



Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.



Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.



Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.



Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.



Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.



Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A.. We don't know; it has never happened.



Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.



Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A.. A widow.



Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.



Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.



Man says to G-d: "G-d, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
G-d says: "So you would love her."
"But G-d," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
G-d says: "So she would love you."

Judi, a blonde, enters an elevator, turns to a gentleman there, smiles and says, "T-G-I-F" to which he replies "S-H-I-T."

Baffled, the Judi repeats "T-G-I-F."

The gentleman smiles and responds: "S-H-I-T."

The woman quizzically looks at the gentleman and says again "T-G-I-F."

The man again replies "S-H-I-T."

The woman explains to him what it mean. "Sir, T-G-I-F stands for Thank
G-d Its Friday."

Ray replies, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

A blonde woman's walking down the street, with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking "boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that blonde's right breast is hanging out". But, as he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says "Mam, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out"

She looks down and says "O MY G-D, I left my baby on the bus....

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

Q: How do you drown a Blonde?
A: Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.